Beauty and the Greeks

Here's something I wrote that started to be a monologue, but just got too long. If you can't tell, I had been reading Homer's "Odyssey" when I wrote this.


"Beauty and the Greeks"

Hi-- I'm here for the audition. Um, I was told it is a new reality dating show... "Odyssey of Love II: The Suitors of Fair Penelope," I believe. I was told to talk to the producer... are you Mr. Homer? Oh, just Homer. That's cool, that's cool. A showbiz type. I can respect that. Funny story, when I was at Crete State, there was this guy who rushed Phi Delt with me-- big Greek culture there, obviously. And anyway, we just called him Boner for four years. Isn't that wild? Just "Boner." We didn't know his real name till graduation. It turned out to be Agisthos of Sparta. Son of Androcles, and a goose.
Why do I want to compete on the show? Well you know, I heard it was a good gig. Free heady wine, as much roasted lamb and goat as I can eat. And Penelope-- well, she's no Helen of Troy, but she sure launches my ship if you know what I mean. I wasn't particularly looking to settle down, but hey, I just graduated with a degree in shipbuilding, and with this economy, maybe shacking up with a well endowed widow isn't a bad option. I'm thinking that, or taking some time off to plunder Egypt. I guess you could say I'm exploring my options, trying to find myself. And wouldn't Odysseus want a young guy like me to keep his wife warm anyway?
As for experience? Like I said, I rushed Phi Delt, so I've done alot of competitions with other guys. Regular stuff-- archery, tossin the disc, wine funnels. I'm totally addicted to "Zeus and Fates Plus 8," it's just a great program. Oh, and sophomore year, I played Chorus member # 4 in a well-reviewed production of "Oedipus the King," so I guess you could say I have a flair for show business. Also, I have spectacular abs.
I guess I only have a couple of questions. First off, is Telemachus going to be there for the taping? Because he is such a whiny turd. He's going to be all complainy-- like, "stop drinking my daddy's wine, stop trying to bed my mom, leave my palace, blah blah." I just think he wouldn't test well with audiences. And, I guess I have another, more nitpicky question. I'm no lawyer, but on the waiver I signed, you mention something about liability for "An act of (the) god(s)-- i.e. Athena's 'man-destroying shield of thunder'" and an unlikely return of Odysseus, resulting in "slaughter, slashing left and right/and grisly screams...from skulls cracked open." I know reality shows are, let's say, "coaxed" into certain directions, but this just seems bizarrely specific. Maybe I'm just paranoid because an oracle prophesied I'd die in the final season of an epic reality show, but I figured I'd be on the cautious side and just ask.